Text adventures for Windows 95©
Between the time when the oceans drank Kadabra, and the rise of the mighty Ikkagu, there was an age undreamed of, when computer games lacked graphics and were made purely of text! Some proud gamers equate these barbaric adventures to primitive cave drawings, but these primordial works of art were the first stepping stones that led to the RPGs we know and love today. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!
a quest for badassity
Space ships and ray guns. Swords and sorcery. Fur loincloths and chainmail bikinis. Welcome to videogamepizza! We write Crypt Shyfter, a series of old school text-based fantasy RPGs. We'll be your Game Masters as you work your way through these wild adventures.
Under our loving guidance you’ll explore strange new worlds and battle hideous monsters. We’ll watch in amused silence as you rescue silly peasants and smite hideous evil with your beefy biceps and sexy tushy!
We hereby swear a sacred oath to lead you on dozens of exciting adventures filled with heroic badasses, evil shapeshifting cyborgs, and lots of bacon pizza!
We am your humble servants, mighty hero. We are the barbaric bards who will sing songs of your victories and weave tales of your glories. Heck, we’ll even make sure you look good when you die!
So come! If you feel a primal urge to go on epic quests, battle evil, and become a legendary hero, then take our beefy barbarian hands and follow us! We will show you worlds of wonder and visions of glory.
old school fantasy text adventures
But wait! you say. These games have no graphics! They’re just blocks of text… this is blasphemy! You can’t call these games! They… they’re books! And books stink! Video games rule!
Bah! Leave your silly misgivings at the foot of our cave, for we have no need of fancy graphics here. We are a primitive folk! What use are colorful pixels and chiptune music to a barbarian? Such things were created for the coddled masses of civilization- not uncouth savages like us!
Besides, you don’t need some stuffy pixel artist to show you what a dragon looks like! Your beautiful brain can create its own images of dragons- AND you can picture them exactly the way you want. Like your dragons to have red scales and curved horns? Done! Maybe you prefer cute cartoon dragons? You got it! Or perhaps your heart races at the thought of grim, hulking dragons with bloody claws and serrated fangs? Fuck yeah!
With a bit of imagination you can visualize a beast far more interesting and terrifying than anything even the most skilled developer could hope to render on a screen.
simple gameplay, fantastic adventure
The format may be simple, but don’t mistake simple for boring! Crypt Shyfter adventures are filled with swashbuckling action, daring rescues, epic quests, and sweeping romance!
…jk they’re raunchy and violent and filled with lots of swearing and fart jokes. You should totally play them!
If cheesy old-school fantasy text-based RPGs are your thing, click the button below to download 5 free adventures!
What the hell is this website?
In a time before time, in a land now long lost, there was a computer. It generated this website to capture the lost souls on the internet. We have now added yours to our collection.
What is Crypt Shyfter?
A series of sci-fi, fantasy, and western text adventure games originally written by a Newgrounds user named kungfuspacebarbarian. The series quickly built up a large fanbase, many of whom began to write their own games, music, and stories set in the Crypt Shyfter universe. In July 2019 KFSB retired and handed the series over to some of the most hardcore fans.
Who runs this site now?
Videogamepizza and Crypt Shyfter are now run by Circasi (lead writer), Adinash (cover artist), and Greyrig (co-writer/web designer).
Does KFSB have any involvement in the series?
No. Kung is proud of what he built but said he has achieved all he can with Crypt Shyfter. He is pursuing new projects, mainly writing for tabletop RPGs. He gave us the game templates and outlines for the final adventures he had planned, but he left the keys to the kingdom to us. KFSB's last games was Citadel of the Flame King, which we collaborated on during the transition. Kung's final solo adventure was Warriors of Cloud Mountain. Rumor has it KFSB ascended to the stars, kicked the shit out of Orion, and took his place among the constellations.
Orion's Kung's belt is a blackbelt in badassity.
Where can I play the games?
Download the free preview pack to get started. This bundle contains 5 free adventures and offers the perfect introduction to the Crypt Shyfter universe. If you like what you see, visit the store page to pick up the rest of the games in the series!
How many games are there?
Try counting the number of stars on this page, then multiply that by 23. That should give you a solid ballpark estimate. Don't forget to count the brightest stars twice, because they're probably part of a binary system.
Do I need to play the games in order?
Only if you’re a hardcore badass.
I have 5,000 unplayed Steam games sitting in my library. Is Crypt Shyfter worth buying?
If you're like 99% of people, then no, this series is not for you. Crypt Shyfter is a VERY niche type of game that appeals to only a tiny fraction of readers and gamers. We'd love if it became a massive success (and of course we think it's totally rad)! But the reality is the games are too weird for most normal people. The hugest hurdle that almost nobody will get past is the fact that the games are made entirely out of text- there are no graphics, sound effects, or cut scenes. On top of that, most of the games are filled with swearing, sex, crude jokes, and cliche fantasy plots. If that still sounds appealing to you, grab the free preview pack and see what the series is all about. If you dig it, you can pick up the complete collection
and ascend to godhood.*
NOTE: Our lawyer says we can't claim these games will make you ascend to godhood. But Shergblatt is all of us, so technically... you've already achieved godhood in Her book
When is the next adventure coming out?
In 100,000 futures from now, when the fish people control our brains and use us as puppets in their war against the spaghetti men. It will be an impossible battle, but unless our strings are cut we'll be compelled to fight a losing war against those dreadful rigatoni warriors. TL;DR- We don't put deadlines on the games. Please don't email us about this.
I remember playing Crypt Shyfter on Newgrounds/IFDB/philome.la/some other website, but I can't find the games anymore. Where did they go?
When KFSB signed off, he removed everything on his userpages. However, you can still download all of the original adventures here.
What is best in life?
Eating pizza, playing video games, and killing Shyfters.
In one of the games a robotic triceratops told me there is a huge multiverse of interconnected worlds and each game features a different version of the same main character. Is that true?
Where do you get your ideas?
Before the first star was born, we swore our allegiance to the infinite goddess Shergblatt and her hairy butt crack. As her most loyal disciples, it is our sacred duty to spread the word of Shergblatt and warn as many people as possible about the danger of Shyfters. Shergblatt gave us access to her treasure trove of memories and we have done our best to relay them to you. If you don't have time to play all the games, here's the short version: Shyfters bad, pizza good.
Can I send you my idea for a Crypt Shyfter game?
We appreciate your enthusiasm, but please don't. The three of us have enough ideas of our own to last a hundred thousand lifetimes, thanks to the infinite goddess Shergblatt.
I found a typo/bug/error in one of the games. Where can I report it?
Email us: pizzabarbarians [at] gmail [dot] com