Between the time when the oceans drank Kadabra, and the rise of the mighty Ikkagu, there was an age undreamed of, when computer games lacked graphics and were made purely of text! Some proud gamers equate these barbaric adventures to primitive cave drawings, but these primordial works of art were the first stepping stones that led to the RPGs we know and love today. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!
a quest for badassity
Welcome to videogamepizza! My name is Kung Fu Space Barbarian and I’ll be your Dungeon Master as you play through these absurd adventures.
Under my loving guidance you’ll explore strange new worlds and battle hideous monsters. I’ll watch in amused silence as you rescue silly peasants and smite hideous evil with your beefy biceps and sexy tushy!
But more than anything else, I swear an oath to lead you on dozens of exciting adventures filled with heroic badasses, evil shapeshifting cyborgs, and lots of yummy pizza!
I am your humble servant, mighty hero. I am the barbaric bard who will sing songs of your victories and weave tales of your glories. Heck, I’ll even make sure you look good when you die!
So come! If you feel a primal urge to go on epic quests, battle evil, and become a legendary hero, then take my beefy barbarian hand and follow me! I will show you worlds of wonder and visions of glory.
old school fantasy text adventures
But wait! you say. These games have no graphics! They’re just blocks of text… this is blasphemy! You can’t call these games! They… they’re books! And books stink! Video games rule!
Bah! Leave your silly misgivings at the foot of my cave, for we have no need of fancy graphics here. We are a primitive folk! What use are colorful pixels and chiptune music to a barbarian? Such things were created for the coddled masses of civilization- not uncouth savages like us!
Besides, you don’t need some stuffy pixel artist to show you what a dragon looks like! Your beautiful brain can create its own images of dragons- AND you can picture them exactly the way you want. Like your dragons to have red scales and curved horns? Done! Maybe you prefer cute cartoon dragons? You got it! Or perhaps your heart races at the thought of grim, hulking dragons with bloody claws and serrated fangs? Fuck yeah!
With a bit of imagination you can visualize a beast far more interesting and terrifying than anything even the most skilled developer could hope to render on a screen.
play on any device
All of the Crypt Shyfter adventures are made with a program called Twine. Each adventure is nothing more than a series of web pages, so the games load quickly on any device.
The format is simple, but don’t mistake simple for boring! Crypt Shyfter adventures are filled with swashbuckling action, daring rescues, epic adventures, and sweeping romance!
…jk they’re raunchy and violent and filled with lots of swearing and fart jokes. You should totally play them!
Once you’ve had your fill of the games, go download Twine and start writing your own Crypt Shyfter legends!
Together we will probe the depths of our imaginations and build an entire universe around this wacky series known as CRYPT SHYFTER!
Who are you?
Kung Fu Space Barbarian. I'm the dude who writes Crypt Shyfter.
What is Crypt Shyfter?
Crypt Shyfter is a series of text adventures where you play as a heroic badass who fights through silly cliche science fiction and fantasy worlds filled with evil shapeshifting cyborgs called Shyfters. As you explore the absurd game worlds you will uncover secrets, forge alliances, roll virtual dice, poop in your pants, solve puzzles, eat pizza, and save the world from evil!
Do I need to play the games in order?
Only if you’re a hardcore badass.
When is the next adventure coming out?
Whenever I finish writing it. Keep an eye on Newgrounds and itch.io for new adventures.
What software do you use to make games?
How can I support the series?
If you mean with money, you can send your love on hipster paypal. Otherwise just share the games with your friends, write a blog post about Crypt Shyfter, or record yourself playing a game and post a video on YouTube.
Why don't you have a contact page?
I just want to write new games. I appreciate the kind messages I've received in the past, but they've become a distraction and so I shut them off.
Can I make my own Crypt Shyfter game?
Knock yourself out.
What is best in life?
Eating pizza, playing video games, and killing Shyfters.
Do you play D&D?
Yes. My friends and I play homebrew games combining our favorite ideas from 5e, Dungeon World, and ICRPG.
Are the Crypt Shyfter games based on D&D adventures you’ve played?
Some of the early games are, but most are just stories I made up.
Who does your cover art?
Newgrounders mostly. Check the credits of each game to see who made what!
Will you ever make a Crypt Shyfter game with graphics?
Never say never, but probably not.
Why 'Kung Fu Space Barbarian'?
Some day there will be nothing interesting to report in the news and a reporter will stumble across this website and be forced to speak those heinous words on live TV. I eagerly look forward to that day.
Gee willikers, KuFuSpaBa, this was the best FAQ ever!
Is that a question?
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